Foreign Affairs

Following its acts of Perfidy through the use of civilian and medical worker disguises during its targeted extra-judicial assassinations of three Palestinians in a Gaza hospital Israel has completed its War Crimes Bingo card, earning a new tranche of US Weapons. The US State Department announced the new grant with a statement today “From indiscriminate bombings to the use of white phosphorus against the civilian populations of Gaza and the West Bank, to the shootings of unarmed civilians waving white flags Israel has shown a real willingness to win War Crimes Bingo. [Read More]

The IDF held an impromptu career day at the Ibn Sina Hospital in Jenin Palestine today. Dressed as doctors civilians and other medical staff the heavily armed IDF commandos arrived to send a message to Israeli children that they can aspire to be anything, from a fake doctor that performs extra-judicial assassinations of wounded patients, to a fake janitor that performs extra-judicial assassinations of wounded patients. Contacted for comment an IDF spokeperson responded “Our new impromptu career day program has been a blast for Palestinians and for our IDF soldiers. [Read More]

The Hague, Netherlands - Joe Biden and Benjamin Neyanyaju today visited the ICC detention center to pick out the cells they will be held in during their trials for war crimes and genocide. The pair were overheard excitedly discussing potentially sharing a cell including asking a guard if it was possible to have bunk beds, like in their favorite movie “Stepbrothers”. After their tour of the facility, which includes a basketball court, a computer room, medical facilities and a library, Biden spoke briefly with reporters while licking an ice cream cone he appeared to have taken out of his pocket: “Listen here jack, the rules based order requires that those who commit Genocide or are complicit in the comission of Genocide are brought to justice. [Read More]

On the heels of the ICJ ruling that Israel must stop perpetuating Genocide in the Gaza Strip, Biden has announced that he will take swift action to cease funding UNWRA. The funding cuts have been justified by unsubstantiated claims from Israel that 12 of UNWRA’s 30,000 employees participated in the October 7th attack, a shocking 0.04%. Contacted for comment, the White House declined to clarify what this new policy means for continued funding of US Military and Law Enforcement, at least 52 of whom, including at least 10 still actively employed, participated in the January 6th 2021 coup attempt. [Read More]

Providing additional clarity on the policy of not evaluating if military aid provided by the US is used in compliance with International Law, Secretary of State Anthony Blinken announced that he was reviving the policy of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” with respect to violations of International Law. At a Press Conference in Tel Aviv Blinken announced the new policy. “US Law has long required the State Department to ensure that weapons are not provided to countries that violate human rights. [Read More]