Very Real News

Responding to fears that Israel will forcefully displace millions of Palestinians from the Gaza Strip, Egypt has begun construction of a Zoo to hold Palestinians who enter the Sinai Peninsula. The director of public works in Egypt confirmed the rumors that construction had begun on a Zoo to display Palestinians in. At a press conference, he clarified that Palestinians would receive comparable treatment to that they get in the wild, guaranteeing Egypt would provide them with limited amounts of tainted water, would never be allowed to leave, would not receive any medical treatment and Egypt will ration the legal minimum number of calories to allow in. [Read More]

In a rambling speech in which he insisted Garfield, the animated cat, had been the 20th President of the United States, Home Alone 2 supporting actor Donald Trump, famous for his 1992 portrayal of “man standing in a building”, lashed out at the Judge who sentenced him and his companies to pay $370 Million for committing decades of fraud in New York State. Among his remarks at the rally, Trump shouted “THE JUDGE AND IF YOU CAN CALL HIM A JUDGE, I CALL HIM A LITTLE TEAPOT, HE SAID TO ME, SIR, YOU HAVE THE BEST FRAUD CONVICTION I’VE EVER SEEN, ITS THE BIGGEST ONE, TRULY SIR, I JUST WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND, I’VE NEVER SEEN A FRAUD CONVICTION AS GOOD AS THIS. [Read More]

Following this week’s passage through the senate of additional funding for the IDF’s campaign to force Palestinians out of Gaza, the IDF has announced that they discovered a Hamas Headquarters located at all times directly beneath Senator Bernie Sanders - one of only three Democratic senators who opposed additional unconditional funding. Asked for evidence to back up their claims, the IDF provided a crude crayon drawing of Senator Sanders holding hands with Ismail Haniyeh, with the caption “Bernie and Haniyeh sittin’ in a tree”. [Read More]

The Biden Administration reassured Israel that they will face absolutely no meaningful consequences for any actions that harm civilians - ostensibly in defiance of US Concerns. Despite repeated leaks to the media about Biden’s “concerns” about the civilian toll Israel’s attacks on Gaza have produced, the administration was emphatic that they have no intention of requiring Israel to follow International Humanitarian Law. At a press conference today Biden clarified that his comments about Israel’s actions being “over the top” are simply political posturing and don’t reflect genuine concerns that will translate to actual action. [Read More]

As predicted by the elite minds of right-wing thought, the Deep State Psy-Op to rig the Super Bowl for the Kansas City Chiefs so that Taylor Swift could endorse Joe Biden came one step closer to fruition as the Chiefs defeated the 49er’s in Super Bowl 58. By half-time, with the Chiefs having taken a commanding lead, Leonard Leo could be seen on the sidelines shoving orphans onto a sacrificial pyre in front of an effigy of Clarence Thomas, but it was all for naught, as the CIA super soldier serum provided to the Chiefs allowed them to close out the game ahead. [Read More]

Responding to criticism over the indiscriminate killing of Hind Rajab and five other members of her family nearly two weeks ago, the IDF has clarified that the six year old was actually a hardened terrorist hiding a Hamas Headquarters inside her teddy bear. Very Real News can further report, with absolutely no verification or critical analysis that the IDF also asserted that the Red Crescent ambulance which attempted to rescue the girl, with the explicit approval of by Israeli forces, was destroyed by the IDF because it contained an underground tunnel network with thousands of Uruk-hai. [Read More]

President Joe Biden took the dramatic step today of requiring Israel to, within 45 days, write a note to claim that it is in compliance with international and US law that it is plainly already in violation of. The bold move by Biden is the strongest finger wag yet in his performative opposition to the ongoing campaign of genocide and ethnic cleansing. In a speech at the Rose Garden, President Biden confused Benjamin Netantyahu with David Ben-Gurion, the former Prime Minister of Israel who died in 1973, and explained his rationale: “Israel has gone too far in Gaza, which is why I’m assigning them this creative writing assignment to explain how they are in compliance with international law that the ICJ has already preliminarily concluded they are in violation of. [Read More]