I met Ron DeSantis at a Denny’s in New Hampshire to discuss the end of his presidential campaign. Standing at 3'2" without his lifts the waitress provides a booster seat for DeSantis. With the booster his chin just breaks even with the top of the booth table. As we sit down a staffer brings over a Costco-sized package of pudding cups and Ron begins to dig in, gesticulating with his pudding covered fingers as he talks.
So what happened? A couple of months ago you were seen as a serious competitor, but in the end you spent over $6,000 per vote and barely registered in Iowa. Well, as it turns out, there’s something about my angry little gremlin act that at some deep level is viscerally turning voters off, I wonder if the lifts in my fake cowboy boots just weren’t high enough.
What’s next for Team DeSantis? First up, I’ll polish off these pudding cups, swallow my last remnant of self respect and spent the rest of the election campaigning for the man who has spent the past year hurling personal insults at myself and my family.
You’re referring to Trump? Yes, just like I’ve always said, Trump is the only man who can save our country from all this election hullabaloo.
After your loss in Iowa the Good Liars presented you with a participation award, do you still have it? Its my most prized possession. No one has ever praised me before.
Any final thoughts? I’m just glad that one day my children will be able to look back and say “Thank god dad didn’t win the nomination, he would have made a terrible president.” For now, its back to Florida for a book burning. This year will be a big one for Florida - I’ve got some great new ideas for making ethnic and sexual minorities lives miserable, among my next moves I plan to rebrand them as Palestinians since that seems to be an ethnic group the entire political class can get behind oppressing.