Very Real News

As reported by AP News today, the US Department of Health and Human Services determined that denying a woman in a medical emergency caused pregnancy complications a medically necessary abortion does not violate the EMTALA. We reached out to HHS for a comment on this developing story and through a spokesperson HHS provided the following clarification “While everyone has the right to emergency medical treatment they forfeit that right if they attempt to seek treatment at a hospital or doctor. [Read More]

Republican voters are poised to select Former President and Future Prisoner Donald Trump for the 2024 Republican Primary as voters first choice Adolf Hitler was determined not to be eligible due to him being a dead German dictator. We contacted RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel for comment on the developing story and through a spokesperson she provided the following response. “Former President Trump, known for his racist rhetoric, corrupt governance and small hands seems to intuitively know how to tap into the racial resentment our little basket of deplorables just loves. [Read More]

The US State Department announced today they are publicly releasing the definition of terrorism that has been used internally for at least the past few decades, but not publicly released until now. A State Department Spokesperson provided this statement. “While it has long been clear that the definition of terrorism we use differs from the clear dictionary definition there has sometimes been a lack of clarity on when exactly we decide to call something terrorism, this new definition should provide much needed clarity. [Read More]

Providing additional clarity on the policy of not evaluating if military aid provided by the US is used in compliance with International Law, Secretary of State Anthony Blinken announced that he was reviving the policy of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” with respect to violations of International Law. At a Press Conference in Tel Aviv Blinken announced the new policy. “US Law has long required the State Department to ensure that weapons are not provided to countries that violate human rights. [Read More]

The Treasury Department released a new study today claiming victory in the war on inequality. The Department now says that nearly all Americans can afford a toothbrush, and thus are considered exceptionally wealthy. When questioned about the 62% of Americans living paycheck to paycheck, the treasury department encouraged them to buy a toothbrush on layaway to build their credit score.

Here in beautiful Shit Pond Minnesota with the Chief of Police Marcellus Wallace the local teen outreach program is expanding with a new field trip. “When we spoke to the teens in our community they expressed their interest in ultraviolence and extrajudicial killings. Here at the Shit Pond police we consider these to be core value of our department and it was an oversight that this was previously not a part of the teen outreach program. [Read More]

Local man Jarmothy Chazwick has opened a lawsuit against the Ty Corporation - best known for their product “Beanie Babies”. Jarmothy’s suit claims that Beanie Babies are marketed falsely - and contain neither babies nor beans. Reached for comment, his attorney Jessica Bebop had this to say.

Reached for comment, the Ty Corporation clarified that the plastic nodules in Beanie Babies are in fact edible, but non-nutritive.