Very Real News

Sweden inched one step closer to joining NATO this week as Hungary remains the last party to ratify their accession. Fully embracing his reputation as a mercurial unreliable ally, authoritarian Prime Minister of Hungary Viktor Orban failed to live up to his promise to not be the last country to ratify Sweden’s application. Turkey’s ratification comes after 20 months of delay from watermelon seller and fellow authoritarian Turkish President Recep Erdoğan, who ultimately settled for changes in domestic Swedish law, fighter jets and a pinkie promise that Sweden would support Turkey’s application to become the EU’s newest intransigent authoritarian troublemaker, giving Orban a run for his money. [Read More]

Senate Democrats today announced that they are close to negotiating a deal with Republicans to reduce the bare modicum of humanity employed in treating immigrants humanely in return for increased weapons procurement to support Israel’s genocide in Gaza. Lead Democratic negotiator Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy explained “This is a slam dunk for Democrats. Rarely do we have the opportunity to trade away policies our constituents oppose in return for other policies our constituents oppose. [Read More]

YCombinator backed layoff.ly has announced that they will soon begin laying off 1000 workers a week before those workers even start work. We reached out to CEO John Dollar who had this to say. “Investors are demanding increasing returns and fiscal discipline. In response layoff.ly is changing the game by laying off our workers before they even begin work. With out new AI technology we will automate the process of hiring new workers and firing them immediately ensuring high returns for our investors. [Read More]

Nikki Haley (born Nimarata Randhawa) announced today a significant policy proposal to end racism in America with free, mandatory, name changes. Haley explained that while she believes the United States is not and has never been a racist country in the interest of promoting freedom everyone should conform to having a stereotypical “white” name in order to reduce any possibility of experiencing racial prejudice. Addressing concerns from conservatives about transgender individuals using this policy to select a preferred name that aligns with their identified gender, Haley clarified that the names available would exclusively determined by gender assigned at birth. [Read More]

The Associated Press reports that Donald Trump has won the Republican Primary in New Hampshire. The win follows a speech last Wednesday in which Trump promoted his skill in distinguishing whales from giraffes and tigers. We were able to speak with a few Trump supporters to find out how this newly proclaimed skill played into their voting decision. Joseph Gobbels of Manchester, NH explained “When it comes down to it, being able to distinguish between a giraffe and a whale is the most important criteria in a president. [Read More]

I met Ron DeSantis at a Denny’s in New Hampshire to discuss the end of his presidential campaign. Standing at 3'2" without his lifts the waitress provides a booster seat for DeSantis. With the booster his chin just breaks even with the top of the booth table. As we sit down a staffer brings over a Costco-sized package of pudding cups and Ron begins to dig in, gesticulating with his pudding covered fingers as he talks. [Read More]