Very Real News

A US Department of Defense Spokesperson clarified that the number of bombing targets reflected the Presidents aspirations to survive a second term and reach the age of 85, the White House announced that it had bombed 85 targets in Iraq and Syria in response to attacks that killed three US military personnel in Jordan, in response to American military interventions across the Middle East and so on. In a statement Secretary of State Anthony Blinken insisted the escalation was not an escalation, stating the bombings would stop as soon as all pushback against the United States imperialist ambitions ceased. [Read More]

Innovative new startup Diesul, a pioneer in the carbon credit industry has just revealed their new service, announcing billions of dollars of pre-orders from companies desperate to market their environmentally harmful business practices as carbon neutral without having to actually change how they do business. Diesul’s flagship service is gasoline sequestration. The technique is simple, Diesul contracts directly with gas stations to pump fuel directly into the nearest storm drain, thus preventing the carbon emissions contained in the fuel from being released. [Read More]

Following its acts of Perfidy through the use of civilian and medical worker disguises during its targeted extra-judicial assassinations of three Palestinians in a Gaza hospital Israel has completed its War Crimes Bingo card, earning a new tranche of US Weapons. The US State Department announced the new grant with a statement today “From indiscriminate bombings to the use of white phosphorus against the civilian populations of Gaza and the West Bank, to the shootings of unarmed civilians waving white flags Israel has shown a real willingness to win War Crimes Bingo. [Read More]

The IDF held an impromptu career day at the Ibn Sina Hospital in Jenin Palestine today. Dressed as doctors civilians and other medical staff the heavily armed IDF commandos arrived to send a message to Israeli children that they can aspire to be anything, from a fake doctor that performs extra-judicial assassinations of wounded patients, to a fake janitor that performs extra-judicial assassinations of wounded patients. Contacted for comment an IDF spokeperson responded “Our new impromptu career day program has been a blast for Palestinians and for our IDF soldiers. [Read More]

The Hague, Netherlands - Joe Biden and Benjamin Neyanyaju today visited the ICC detention center to pick out the cells they will be held in during their trials for war crimes and genocide. The pair were overheard excitedly discussing potentially sharing a cell including asking a guard if it was possible to have bunk beds, like in their favorite movie “Stepbrothers”. After their tour of the facility, which includes a basketball court, a computer room, medical facilities and a library, Biden spoke briefly with reporters while licking an ice cream cone he appeared to have taken out of his pocket: “Listen here jack, the rules based order requires that those who commit Genocide or are complicit in the comission of Genocide are brought to justice. [Read More]

At a press conference Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has accused Russian President Vladimir Putin of stealing her television remote. “Last night I went to watch ‘The Bachelor’ and my remote wasn’t where I left it last. This clearly is a plot by Russian agents to undermine the American people’s ability to keep informed with the love life of Joey Graziadei.” A Pelosi spokesperson later released a statement that the television remote had been located by a deployment of Navy SEALs who found it under a couch cushion in Pelosi’s house. [Read More]

On the heels of the ICJ ruling that Israel must stop perpetuating Genocide in the Gaza Strip, Biden has announced that he will take swift action to cease funding UNWRA. The funding cuts have been justified by unsubstantiated claims from Israel that 12 of UNWRA’s 30,000 employees participated in the October 7th attack, a shocking 0.04%. Contacted for comment, the White House declined to clarify what this new policy means for continued funding of US Military and Law Enforcement, at least 52 of whom, including at least 10 still actively employed, participated in the January 6th 2021 coup attempt. [Read More]