Trump Announces He Will Deport All "Illegal Aliens"

 Posted on February 9, 2024

After descending down a poop-filled water slide at Six Flags Texas, Donald Trump announced that if he becomes president again he wants to deport all illegal aliens. While Six Flags removed the Confederate Flag it had flown since opening in 2017, it was again flying to commemorate the visiting insurrectionist. In a speech to a crowd of incensed white people, Trump elaborated, “When Mars sends its grays, they’re not sending their best. [Read More]
Politics 

John Roberts Declares Interpreting Constitution Too Hard, Future Decisions To Made By Ouija Board

 Posted on February 8, 2024

In oral arguments over the Colorado Supreme Court decision to remove Trump from the ballot in Colorado over his attempted coup and actual insurrection on January 6th, 2023 John Roberts bemoaned his frustration over having to actually interpret the constitution. Bemoaning that following the constitution would create more work later for the court as it would have to evaluate hypothetical cases of Republican Legislatures removing candidates in bad faith, Roberts proposed that the court would make all future decisions instead via Ouija board. [Read More]
Politics 

US State Department Designates United States as State Sponsor of Terrorism

 Posted on February 7, 2024

Secretary of State Anthony Blinken today added the United States to the US State Department list of state sponsors of terrorism. In a press conference Blinken explained “Consistent with President Biden’s recent statements that those who supply weapons are responsible for their use, the State Department concluded today it had no choice but to add the United States to the registry of state sponsors of terrorism. This designation follows the United States reckless policies of acting as the largest arms dealer in the world, which for decades has caused a destabilizing effect across the globe. [Read More]
Foreign Affairs 

Biden Aides Reassure Voters He Will Not Run For Third Term

 Posted on February 6, 2024

According to Joe Biden’s top advisors and prominent Democrats the President if re-elected will not run for a third term. According to four people who aware of the Presidents plans, all of whom asked for anonymity so they can plant false stories in the press without any risk of backlash, it is practically unthinkable that the 82 year old would run for re-election a second time, when he is 86 years old. [Read More]
Politics