Politics

In a rambling speech in which he insisted Garfield, the animated cat, had been the 20th President of the United States, Home Alone 2 supporting actor Donald Trump, famous for his 1992 portrayal of “man standing in a building”, lashed out at the Judge who sentenced him and his companies to pay $370 Million for committing decades of fraud in New York State. Among his remarks at the rally, Trump shouted “THE JUDGE AND IF YOU CAN CALL HIM A JUDGE, I CALL HIM A LITTLE TEAPOT, HE SAID TO ME, SIR, YOU HAVE THE BEST FRAUD CONVICTION I’VE EVER SEEN, ITS THE BIGGEST ONE, TRULY SIR, I JUST WANT TO SHAKE YOUR HAND, I’VE NEVER SEEN A FRAUD CONVICTION AS GOOD AS THIS. [Read More]

As predicted by the elite minds of right-wing thought, the Deep State Psy-Op to rig the Super Bowl for the Kansas City Chiefs so that Taylor Swift could endorse Joe Biden came one step closer to fruition as the Chiefs defeated the 49er’s in Super Bowl 58. By half-time, with the Chiefs having taken a commanding lead, Leonard Leo could be seen on the sidelines shoving orphans onto a sacrificial pyre in front of an effigy of Clarence Thomas, but it was all for naught, as the CIA super soldier serum provided to the Chiefs allowed them to close out the game ahead. [Read More]

After descending down a poop-filled water slide at Six Flags Texas, Donald Trump announced that if he becomes president again he wants to deport all illegal aliens. While Six Flags removed the Confederate Flag it had flown since opening in 2017, it was again flying to commemorate the visiting insurrectionist. In a speech to a crowd of incensed white people, Trump elaborated, “When Mars sends its grays, they’re not sending their best. [Read More]

In oral arguments over the Colorado Supreme Court decision to remove Trump from the ballot in Colorado over his attempted coup and actual insurrection on January 6th, 2023 John Roberts bemoaned his frustration over having to actually interpret the constitution. Bemoaning that following the constitution would create more work later for the court as it would have to evaluate hypothetical cases of Republican Legislatures removing candidates in bad faith, Roberts proposed that the court would make all future decisions instead via Ouija board. [Read More]

According to Joe Biden’s top advisors and prominent Democrats the President if re-elected will not run for a third term. According to four people who aware of the Presidents plans, all of whom asked for anonymity so they can plant false stories in the press without any risk of backlash, it is practically unthinkable that the 82 year old would run for re-election a second time, when he is 86 years old. [Read More]

At a press conference Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has accused Russian President Vladimir Putin of stealing her television remote. “Last night I went to watch ‘The Bachelor’ and my remote wasn’t where I left it last. This clearly is a plot by Russian agents to undermine the American people’s ability to keep informed with the love life of Joey Graziadei.” A Pelosi spokesperson later released a statement that the television remote had been located by a deployment of Navy SEALs who found it under a couch cushion in Pelosi’s house. [Read More]