Foreign Affairs

Responding to fears that Israel will forcefully displace millions of Palestinians from the Gaza Strip, Egypt has begun construction of a Zoo to hold Palestinians who enter the Sinai Peninsula. The director of public works in Egypt confirmed the rumors that construction had begun on a Zoo to display Palestinians in. At a press conference, he clarified that Palestinians would receive comparable treatment to that they get in the wild, guaranteeing Egypt would provide them with limited amounts of tainted water, would never be allowed to leave, would not receive any medical treatment and Egypt will ration the legal minimum number of calories to allow in. [Read More]

Following this week’s passage through the senate of additional funding for the IDF’s campaign to force Palestinians out of Gaza, the IDF has announced that they discovered a Hamas Headquarters located at all times directly beneath Senator Bernie Sanders - one of only three Democratic senators who opposed additional unconditional funding. Asked for evidence to back up their claims, the IDF provided a crude crayon drawing of Senator Sanders holding hands with Ismail Haniyeh, with the caption “Bernie and Haniyeh sittin’ in a tree”. [Read More]

The Biden Administration reassured Israel that they will face absolutely no meaningful consequences for any actions that harm civilians - ostensibly in defiance of US Concerns. Despite repeated leaks to the media about Biden’s “concerns” about the civilian toll Israel’s attacks on Gaza have produced, the administration was emphatic that they have no intention of requiring Israel to follow International Humanitarian Law. At a press conference today Biden clarified that his comments about Israel’s actions being “over the top” are simply political posturing and don’t reflect genuine concerns that will translate to actual action. [Read More]

Responding to criticism over the indiscriminate killing of Hind Rajab and five other members of her family nearly two weeks ago, the IDF has clarified that the six year old was actually a hardened terrorist hiding a Hamas Headquarters inside her teddy bear. Very Real News can further report, with absolutely no verification or critical analysis that the IDF also asserted that the Red Crescent ambulance which attempted to rescue the girl, with the explicit approval of by Israeli forces, was destroyed by the IDF because it contained an underground tunnel network with thousands of Uruk-hai. [Read More]

President Joe Biden took the dramatic step today of requiring Israel to, within 45 days, write a note to claim that it is in compliance with international and US law that it is plainly already in violation of. The bold move by Biden is the strongest finger wag yet in his performative opposition to the ongoing campaign of genocide and ethnic cleansing. In a speech at the Rose Garden, President Biden confused Benjamin Netantyahu with David Ben-Gurion, the former Prime Minister of Israel who died in 1973, and explained his rationale: “Israel has gone too far in Gaza, which is why I’m assigning them this creative writing assignment to explain how they are in compliance with international law that the ICJ has already preliminarily concluded they are in violation of. [Read More]

Secretary of State Anthony Blinken today added the United States to the US State Department list of state sponsors of terrorism. In a press conference Blinken explained “Consistent with President Biden’s recent statements that those who supply weapons are responsible for their use, the State Department concluded today it had no choice but to add the United States to the registry of state sponsors of terrorism. This designation follows the United States reckless policies of acting as the largest arms dealer in the world, which for decades has caused a destabilizing effect across the globe. [Read More]

A US Department of Defense Spokesperson clarified that the number of bombing targets reflected the Presidents aspirations to survive a second term and reach the age of 85, the White House announced that it had bombed 85 targets in Iraq and Syria in response to attacks that killed three US military personnel in Jordan, in response to American military interventions across the Middle East and so on. In a statement Secretary of State Anthony Blinken insisted the escalation was not an escalation, stating the bombings would stop as soon as all pushback against the United States imperialist ambitions ceased. [Read More]